Wetmore: My best guess for Rick Spielman's 13 head coaching categories
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Vikings General Manager Rick Spielman says he's developed 13 categories from which successful NFL head coaches can come. I found it a little funny that he said at his press conference that no category yields more success than any other.
So it's not possible to select from the wrong subset, which is comforting.
With that in mind, and with the help of several 1500ESPN colleagues, I developed this list of 13 categories from which the Vikings next head coach should be hired.
1) A Super Bowl pedigree. Extra points if the candidate has the finely-tuned fashion sense to make sleeveless hoodies work. I don't care if he bristles with the media. There's even one coach in this category who somehow turned a sixth-round draft choice into the greatest quarterback who ever lived. Just imagine what he could do with the 8th overall pick!
2) Coaches with personal parking spaces. Bonus points awarded if the private spot is at Bunny's. Familiarity with the area is critical to a head coaching search and what better way to accomplish that than to bring back a coach who knows his way around town? This guy could help give a boost to the offensive line, which is an added bonus. Besides, the Wilfs hardly even got a chance to know ol' Ticey.
3) A coach willing to stretch the rules. If an opposing return man is set to house a kick or punt, I need to know that I can trust my head coach to do anything in his power to stop it - especially one that's willing to pretend it was a total accident and offer an emotional apology. Coaches like this subscribe to the mantra 'by any means necessary' and I like the cut of his jib.
4) Coaches who will always come back, no matter the circumstances. Loyalty is critical in today's NFL, and I like a guy who will hem and haw all offseason before eventually returning to work. Extra points will be awarded if you can mentor a young quarterback drafted to replace you or if you love just playin' ball with a bunch of high schoolers.
5) Namesakes for highly successful football video game franchises. BOOM!
6) Legacy. Want to make a splashy hire? How about the twice former Vikings head coach who already has an office with a window at Winter Park?
7) Proven track record of success in the state? How about hiring No. 6's son?
8) Someone who already has all the answers about the Vikings? He wouldn't need to spend time solving problems, because he already has all the answers. One crusty local radio talk show host and Vikings columnist would fit the bill perfectly in this category. But sources have suggested it could take a small fortune to pry away Judd Zulgad from 1500ESPN.
9) The high-energy guy. I want someone with a track record of schooling quarterbacks. A blond-haired, Xs and Os maven in a broadcast booth. I know there's got to be at least one of those out there. This type of guy might also be a good fit with the Wilfs and Spielman because he'd never say a negative word about the franchise. Or any franchise, for that matter.
11) Defensive-minded. Speaking of Frazier, this is a good time to hit the Tampa-2 category. I prefer a sideline stoic in this group. A devoutly religious, well-respected leader of men. He won't yell at you, but he commands the respect of his players. His specialty is the Tampa-2, which might just need a little more time in Minnesota for it to start working. Tony Dungy would be a great fit.
12) A high-energy gum chewer who pumps his fists on the sidelines. This category would have to demonstrate an ability to develop young quarterbacks from unproven to superstar, while working with one of the league's elite running backs. He'd also have to have the acumen to run away from an ugly situation in the face of harsh sanctions in favor of greener NFL pastures. A sharp dude like that definitely deserves a crack at this head coaching job. That's if his current head coaching gig doesn't work out for any reason.
13) The bounce-around who has already made a stop in Gopher Nation. With varying degrees of success at every level from high school to the NFL, this category high on panache but low on substance. From high school coach to college tight ends coach to NFL tight ends coach to miserable failure of a college coach to sideline broadcasting and finally to tight ends coach and recruiting coordinator at a highly successful college. Unfortunately, Spielman would have to wait until after the BCS National Championship to interview Florida State's Tim Brewster.
Are there any categories I missed? Enlighten me in the comments. Which category do you think Spielman should hire from?